We awoke a hour later to the phone ringing. Brian grabbed it. Again, it was Scott Wilson, telling us to get down to the lobby in 15 minutes. I looked over at Brian and laughed. He had total sleep-head. We quickly stripped and showered together, using cold water to keep our desires in check. 12 minutes later we were down in the lobby. We went down to the parkade and this time took a van to the MuchMusic studios.

There was a huge crowd outside of Much awaiting the Boys. We pulled in to the parkade. We got to the studio and were met by Rick "The Temp" (Much to my excitement. I'd always thought he was cute.) who would be doing the interview. He quickly told us we had 4 minutes until air. I looked on the TV screen, where "I'll never break your heart" was playing. So we quickly took our seats, much to the delight of the screaming throng outside. The director counted us down…

5…

4…

3…

2..

1…

"Hi, this is Rick the Temp here! Once again gracing our studios are the Backstreet Boys!!!! Last in our studios during our Intimate & Interactive special in January, they love Toronto so much they are back for a visit and a pair of sold-out shows tomorrow. Guys, welcome back!"

There was a jumble of thanks, then Rick continued.

"For anyone who's been in a closet for the past year…"

I could have sworn he was looking directly at Brian when he said that, but quickly decided it was my imagination.

"Why don't you guys introduce yourselves."

The guys all introduced themselves, then Kevin beckoned me over.

"This guy here" He said as I sat between him and Brian "is the newest member of the Backstreet Boys family. This is our new online representative, Darren Clarke from Calgary!"

This brought about a huge cheer from the crowd outside, much to my surprise. We quickly ran down the intended Backstreet Boys chat, and then I walked to the side, allowing the interview to wrap up quickly. They ended the segment by debuting the BSB's new video new video "That's the way I like it." Which had been filmed in Vancouver at the concert. We quickly bailed and headed back to the hotel.

The door had barely closed behind us when Brian pushed me up against a wall and pressed his lips firmly against mine. We kissed against the wall for a good five minutes. Finally we parted to catch our breaths.

"Your insatiable, ya know that?" I asked.

"Only for you" was Brian's reply.

"Was it my imagination or was Rick looking at you when he made that remark about being in a closet??"

"Ummmm, it wasn't your imagination."

"He knows???"

"I ran into him at a club here last year. We became friends. He's gay."

"Just friends???"

Brian looked at me in surprise. "Man, you do get jealous easily!" he said, only half-joking.

"Nah, just curious."

"No, we never had sex. He is cute tho, if I hadn't met you I'd probably be doing him… but it wouldn't be the same, because I don't think I could feel the same way about him as I do you."

I blushed. No matter how much he complimented me, how much he told me he loved me, I still felt the same rush every time he said it. I pulled him into my arms and just held him.

"I love you so much Brian."

"I love you too."

I pulled away from him and looked him straight in the eye.

"Promise me something."

"Sure, what?"

"Promise me no matter what, you will always love me. Tell me you and I are forever."

Brian didn't even pause before answering.

"I promise."

"Thankyou" I said, pulling him close again. I loved these moments almost as much as sex, sometimes more so. Just holding each other, our hearts beating as one.

"I have to go set up for the chat across the hall babe."

"I'll come with you. You can teach me all that computer stuff."

"Yeah, and then you can teach me to sing and dance." I said, smiling. Brian had already learned that my singing could shatter mirrors and my dancing was best left to nightclubs. Brian only laughed, then we went across the hall.

Brian was actually very interested in what I was doing. I was worried he would be a distraction but he just stood and watched, and in no time I had 6 laptop terminals set up and was logged on through a local provider that we had bought some time off of. I had registered a bot in #BSBChat 2 days prior, and I quickly joined the channel. There were already over 100 people on the channel a hour before the chat was scheduled to start. I quickly opped myself I set the users limit at 150, then went AFK.

"What did you just do??" Brian asked?

"I just prepped the channel. We still have a hour, we may as well get a bite to eat. Nick should be back from his dinner with Tera soon. I'm eager to find out what happened."

"Yeah me, too, and I'm hungry.."

"Oh, what do you want?"

"Your sausage."

I groaned. "Do you ever get tired of sex???"

"Not with you."

With that he locked the door to the room.

"Here?!?!?!?" I said incrediously.,

"Why not? A new place to conquest."

I couldn't even reply, as he had already covered my mouth with his. He quickly unfastened my belt and yanked my pants and boxers down in one quick motion.

"You owe me for that shower this morning…" Brian said, before swallowing my cock. I groaned. By now he knew just what to do to make me squirm, and he was doing just that. Slicking my cock up with his spit, he pulled off my dick, stood up, and dropped his pants.

"Fuck me, cum up my ass" he said.

I didn't waste any time. As I said, I had never done "bareback" before, topping or bottoming, so it was definitely a new experience. I enjoyed the feeling of natural flesh, rather then the usual latex. Brian was as well, judging by his groans.

"Hold on" Brian said. He backed us up. I pulled out and Brian got on his back on the floor.

"Can't get cum on the floor." He said.

I slid easily back into him and fucked him hard and fast. Brian just looked at me, his eyes glazed over with bliss. All of a sudden his cock exploded without him ever touching it!!! This turned me on so much that I shot deep into his bowels. We were both breathing heavily when I was finished.

"You made a mess" I told Brian seriously.

"No, you made me make a mess. I didn't do a thing." Brian said, grinning.

"Well then I guess I have to clean it up.."

"Yup. You made it, you clean it."

I began to lick the cum off his chest and abs. I managed to lick him clean, leaving only saliva on his body. I kissed him hard, allowing the cum I had saved in my mouth to spill into his. We dueled tongues, then I ran to the bathroom and came back with a towel. I wiped the sweat and spit off of his body, then cleaned of my cum-coated cock. I ran back to the bathroom and threw the towel in a hamper. When I walked back into the room, Brian was standing. He quickly wrapped his arms around my waist.

"I love you." He said.

"I can't hear you say that enough."

"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love…mpppphhhh."

I silenced him with a kiss. We gathered up our clothes and got dressed. Just in time too, as Brian was just putting on his shirt when there was a knock on the door. I looked over as Brian straightened his shirt, then opened the door. It was Howie.

"Yo, were ordering room service, you guys want some?" Howie asked. I looked over at Brian.

"Sure thing man, I'm starved."

"Cool. You all set up in here????"

"Yup, all ready to go. 30 minutes and counting." I took another look at the channel. It was full. I had put everyone on ignore, thus my screen was not filled with private messages. We headed over to Kevin's room. The food had just arrived when we got there, and we sat around talking until Nick walked in the door.

"Well if it isn't the chick-magnet!" Brian said teasingly. "How did it go??"

"She's a great girl" Nick said, smiling. "Were going out again tomorrow night after the show, and she's getting front row and passes."

"Cool" we all replied. We finished eating and Nick told us the details. He and Tera had gone to a nice restaurant and just talked and laughed. Nick had been lucky, as they had been seated in a dark corner and no one had noticed them. After dinner they had gone for a walk downtown, then Nick had taken Tera home. She had pecked him lightly on the cheek goodnight, and they had planned for Nick to call in the morning. Nick was obviously really excited, but I knew Sandra would be heartbroken back home.

Finally it was 5 minutes till 8 and we headed back to the room with the computers set up. Scott was waiting for us, and I quickly sat down at my terminal, Brian beside me at his. I started the chat.

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the first ever Backstreet Boys chat on IRC. My name is Darren Clark, the official Online Representative of the BSB. I am moderating this chat, so please direct all questions for the boys to me via private message. They will be here momentarily. Start sending questions now.

With that my screen began to flood with private messages. I instructed the others to enter the channel and quickly voiced them. The chat began to run smoothly. The 150 people who were there stayed the entire time. I mixed "puff" questions with serious ones. For every "Who's your fav Spice Girl" and "Have you ever been skinny dipping" there were the serious ones like "Who are your musical influences" and "Which city has been your favorite to see on this tour." However, I did get a shocking question…

Brian, is it true you are gay, and just hiding it to protect your image and your fans, and you are involved in a Homosexual relationship with a member of your crew?

Brian was looking over my shoulder at the moment and blanched when he saw that.

"How the hell…" he muttered.

The problem with IRC is if I refused to post the question or kicked the questioner, she would message everyone in the channel and say I refused to answer her question and rumors would fly. So I cut and paste.

BSB fan Keikimo asks Brian, is it true you are gay, and just hiding it to protect your image and your fans, and you are involved in a Homosexual relationship with a member of your crew?

Brian did a double-take at me when I posted it in the channel, and from 3 terminals down Kevin and Scott simultaneously cried out "What the fuck??!!!!" I quickly slid over to Brian's terminal and began to type.

LOL. I'm gay?? This is news to me, but rumors are rumors. No, I am presently single, not seeing anyone.

This seemed to satisfy Keikimo as she didn't follow up with any other questions. Scott was pretty ticked off as he asked me why I did that, and I calmed him down while typing with a promise of my explanation. The rest of the chat flew by and at 9:15, 15 minutes past when it was scheduled to end, I wrapped things up.

Well that's it. On behalf of everyone here I would like to thank you guys for joining us here tonight. Another chat will be announced soon, keep an eye on this channel for details on it's time. Goodnight.

With that we logged out.

"You took a big risk there Darren." Scott said.

"I did, but like you said, it has to be addressed. Now it's been printed in a public place that Brian is straight. If I hadn't done that rumors would have flown about Brian and we don't want this to affect him or the band in any way."

Evidently my explanation calmed him, and we called it a night. We were free to do what we wanted.

Brian and I went back to our room and he sat me on the bed.

"What's wrong?" he asked. I thought I had been hiding my feelings from Brian pretty well, but evidently he can read me better then I thought.

"It's just, well, it hurt me to have to deny our relationship. I love you so much I just want to scream it to the world, but I can't."

"I know, I feel the same way. If I could I would announce it to the world, but I can't. It's to risky."

"I know. What really matters is I know."

"Yeah, that's all that matters is that we will be together. Forever. Someday, maybe, we'll be able to be more open, but not now."

With that Brian kissed me. We broke apart to a knock at the door. Brian answered it and there was AJ.

"Hey Bri, Darren, were gonna go to a club, you want to come??"

"Do you???" Brian asked me.

"Yeah, let's go out, have some fun."

15 minutes later the 6 of us, along with 2 bodyguards piled into 2 rented cars and drove to a club the girl at the desk recommended. Even though Nick and I were under the legal Ontario limit of 19, because of the BSB's Celebrity status we were ushered in. It was a club that had a lot of famous people attend when they were in Toronto, so the clientele was used to having famous people among them.

The music was top-40, and the second song that played as soon as we entered the club was "That's the way I like it." Nick found this to be hysterically funny for some reason, and dragged Brian and I on the dance floor. Not to my surprise, a lot of eyebrows raised at the sight of them doing exact moves from the concert video. Those eyebrows joined some jaw's in dropping when people realized that it was in fact Brian and Nick dancing. But the Club had a rather well known policy. Don't bug the celebs. So we were left alone. We danced for a good 45 minutes while the other guys mingled. Then I saw a familiar face in the crowd. I ran over to the pretty girl.

"Heya Tera." I said. "Remember me?"

"Of course! Darren! Nicks friend, how are you?"

"I'm good. Nick's here."

"What??!?!"

"Nick's here, all the guys are."

I took her over and surprised Nick, who immediately hugged and kissed her. Brian took me off the Dance floor and we grabbed a drink. We watched Nick and Tera dirty-dancing. Brian howled at that.

"He must really like her, I've never seen him do that, especially in such a public place."

"I wish we could do that" I whispered in his ear.

"So do I baby, so do I."

When word got around that we were there, we found that suddenly we were being given a lot of free drinks. We took advantage of it, and in 2 hours Brian and I were rather intoxicated. Luckily Kevin was with us to make sure that we didn't become a little to friendly with each other at the club. Nick and Tera on the other hand, ended up spending the latter part of the evening making out in a corner. Finally it was time to go, much to everyone disappointment. I was so drunk tho that I didn't care. The Bodyguards drove us back to the hotel, despite drunken protests from Nick about not wanting to leave.

I swung open the door to our room at the hotel and fell face-first onto the carpet. Brian found this funny for some reason, and fell beside me laughing. The door swung closed behind us and we were encased in darkness. Brian couldn't stop his drunken laughter, and in my intoxicated state it became infectious and soon we were laughing so hard that we were crying. I rolled in the general direction of where I thought the bed was and ended up banging my knee on the dresser.

"Shit" I cried out, causing even more laughter from Brian.

"Yeah, fuck you. Laugh at my pain" I said.

"I'm, I'm sorry" Brian gasped between sobs of laughter. I pulled myself onto the bed and curled up, not caring that I was still fully clothed. Brian collapsed beside me. He put his arm around me.

"I love you" he mumbled… it was the last thing I heard that night.

The next two weeks flew by. Denise McLean turned out to be a amazingly wonderful woman, who quickly took me into the fold. She turned into a second mother to me. I graduated High School with high grades. My life was a lot of the same, sex, concerts, fans, food, clubbing, travel and a lot of fun. I got to see parts of North America I had only dreamed of. One of the highlights for me was when I saw my Ex-Boyfriend, Alex, at a show in New Jersey, (I had met him when he was visiting Canada, but that's a different story.) It was so great to see the look on his face when he saw that the guy "Who would never amount to anything" was successful. I hope it burns inside him still. Brian took me out to see New York City, a place I had always wanted to see. The longer our relationship went, the more in love with him I became. Each time I thought I couldn't be any more in love with him, he would say or do something to melt me. Even his teasing (Another gay guy had won backstage passes at a show and was a lot less subtle then I was in flirting with Brian, and kept giving me dirty looks, Brian suggested to me that we invite him to the hotel for a 3-some, I smacked him.) made me happy. I had never been happier in my life, I had everything I could have wanted. Money, travel, and the man of my dreams.

One phone call changed everything.

"Hi Mom."

"Hi Darren!!!! Where are you???"

"Right now I'm in North Carolina. I'm going to Florida for the weekend to meet Brian's family."

I had finally told my parents the truth about my relationship with Brian. I had gotten sort of a mixed reaction at first, but they accepted that I was in love. They had invited Brian to come stay with us for a few days, and as soon as the North American tour was over, Brian and I made plans to go home and visit.

"Nervous??" she asked.

"Yeah, a little."

"I'm sure they'll love you as much as Brian does. As much as we do."

"Thanks Mom, that means a lot."

"Darren, a letter came for you today from the University."

"Oh?" I said.

"Yes. You got accepted into their Computer Training course, partial scholarship."

"I see."

"That's it? You see?"

"Yeah, that's all."

"Well aren't you excited???"

"I'm not going to take it."

"Excuse me?" My father had picked up the line by now and he had a very hard edge to his voice at this announcement.

"I'm to busy here, I'm not going to go to University yet."

"Like hell your not!!! This is a scholarship, you can't turn it down, you won't get it back…"

"Calm down Rob…" that was my mom.

"I'm sorry Dad, but right now this is what's important to me."

"Look, you say you love Brian, that's fine, but you can't let your relationship with him ruin your life!!!!!!"

"It's not ruining my life!!!!!!"

"Your going to University."

"Dad, listen to me. I have to do what makes me happy, and right now being with Brian is what makes me happy. Nothing else does. Being on tour, seeing the world, this is what I want. University can wait."

"No, it can't. Your coming home in September and going to school."

"I'm ending this discussion now. We'll talk about it when your calm."

I hung up the phone to my Dad's voice. I finally let loose the tears that had been building up. I finished crying by the time Brian came into the room.

"Hey Babe, I…what's wrong?" Brian asked, noticing my red eyes.

"I just had a huge fight with my parents."

Immediately Brian was next to me with his arm around my shoulder.

"What is it babe?? What happened???"

"I got a letter from UofC. I got accepted to a Computer training program on a partial scholarship."

"That's wonderful. When do you start school??"

I looked at him in shock.

"I'm not."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm here with you. I'm not going to leave to go to school."

Now it was Brian's turn to look at me with concern.

"Your not going because of me??"

"Not just you, because of the job, because what I am doing now makes me happy."

"Your kidding, right???" Brian said. I didn't like where this conversation was heading.

"No, I'm serious."

"Your going to turn down school to stay on tour with us and be with me… are you nuts???"

His words stung me like a slap across the face.

"No, I, I…"

"Your going to throw away the opportunity to go to school and make something of your life for this??"

"I can go later, I…."

"Not on a partial scholarship."

"I don't need the scholarship! I make enough money to go to school easily!!!!!"

"It doesn't matter. This is what's best for you."

"Your what's best for me." My eyes were starting to well up with tears again.

Brian paused, then stood and walked to the window, his back to me.

"You have to go to school."

"I won't… I don't need school, I can do this…"

"Is that what you think???" Brian turned to face me now, tears streaming down his face. "You think you can do this forever? This isn't going to last forever! I don't even know what's around the corner. The next album could flop, everything could end at any time Darren, it's going to affect me enough, I won't let it effect your life too."

"But, but…"

"You need something in your life Darren. You can't make a life out of love alone. You have a chance some people would kill for, I'm not going to let you blow it."

"I'm not leaving you Brian. Not for school, not for anything."

Brian turned again to the window. There was a long pause. The tension in the air was suffocating. Finally, Brian spoke.

"Then you leave me no choice." Another pause… I didn't quite grasp what he was saying….

"It's over."

I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. This was too overwhelming….

"What do you mean?"

"I mean" Brian choked out. "That you and I, our relationship. It's over."

"I don't understand…"

"Just go Darren, please."

"No, I won't go, I can't, I…."

"Look!" Brian span around, his face wet from tears. "I am not what you need. You need to go to school, make something of your life, away from the spotlight. Settle down with some nice guy somewhere and raise a family. I can't give you any of that. If your so blinded by your feelings for me that you can't see what is best for you then you leave me no choice."

"No.." I whimpered.

"Go, please."

I tried to grab him, but he pulled away.

"Ok, I sputtered. "I'll go to school. But let me stay until then…."

"No."

"No?!??!?"

"If you stay then when the time comes for you to go, I may not be able to think properly and end up letting you make the mistake your so intent on making yourself. I couldn't live with myself if I did that. You have to go."

"Brian, don't say this."

"Go Darren, ok. Just go, get out? Your flight home is covered, just stay away until you go."

"Brian, I love you….."

"Dammit, I love you too. Can't you see that?!?! If I didn't love you then I would tell you to stay. I'd Say 'Screw college.' It's because I love you so much that I'm doing this. Because I love you too much to not want what's best for you, and that is to leave me and go to school."

"I don't understand…"

"You will… Don't make this any harder for me Darren, because I can't take any more of this. Seeing you right now is killing me, I need you to go."

"I won't."

"Then, then I will have to call security and have you escorted from my room.."

"You wouldn't…."

Brian picked up the phone. That was it, my heart broke in too. I ran from the room in tears and down the hall.

"Darren, what the hell?" Nick was just a blur beside me. I heard a anguished cry from Brian's room. I fell into the elevator and collapsed, sobbing. Suddenly the doors opened and Kevin was beside me. He took my head in his arms and tried to calm me. I cried for what seemed like a eternity on his shoulder……

I spent the night in a room in a different part of the hotel. I didn't sleep. Being alone after so long of having Brian's body next to me was so awkward, added to the pain in my heart and sleep was impossible.

The next morning I went up to the room Brian and I had shared. Brian had checked out already. Crying, I packed up my stuff. Kevin, who had waited to take me to the airport, came in the room. Silently he helped me pack up the rest of my stuff. We went down to the rental car and drove to the airport in silence. I checked in my bags and was about to go through the gate when Kevin stopped me.

"Darren, wait."

I looked at him, the tears once again forming in my eyes. To my surprise, a tear rolled down Kevin's cheek as well.

"I'm sorry Darren. You know this is hard for all of us, especially Brian. He cried all night last night. He's a wreck. You're a wreck. All of us are in pieces. Your one of us, Darren, don't forget that, just because your relationship with him, the way it was, is over, doesn't mean your not one of us still. We love you, I love you, and I know Brian loves you. We'll be in touch. I promise you, Brian will get back in touch with you. Go to school, earn a degree. But this isn't over, I know he will always love you. Ok? Just remember that he loves you.

"I will."

"Good. Please take care of yourself Darren, I'll be in touch."

With that Kevin hugged me. We parted, both of us crying.

"Bye Kevin, thankyou for everything…."

"No Darren, thankyou. You have no idea what a influence you've had on us."

With that I walked through the gate. I quietly sobbed in my seat waiting for the boarding call. I boarded the plane and found my seat. I quickly grabbed a pillow and cried myself to sleep….

My parents picked me up at the airport. They tried to cheer me up, but I was so depressed nothing they did could help. Sandra came over a hour after I got home and the whole story came out. I cried on her shoulder for more then a hour.

A month passed, and Kevin did call just to say hi and make sure I was ok. He was hesitant to tell me about Brian, but I was persisitant. Finally he told me that Brian was on anti-depressants, but was still performing like nothing was wrong. But off stage he was a wreck. Hearing this tore at my heart strings. I went to school and was able to concentrate reasonably well enough to succeed. Still, the pain I was feeling was the biggest part of my life. I cried myself to sleep every night. When I wasn't at school I was moping around the house. I never went anywhere or did anything, Sandra was the only friend I talked too.

"That's what she said" was released as a single. It got a lot of airplay and everytime I heard it I cried. It reminded me of Brian so much. He had said we'd be together forever… and I believed him.

MuchMusic aired a "Backstreet Boys live in Orlando" special. Sandra and I watched it together, even tho she felt it wasn't a good idea. Seeing Brian hurt, and it was obvious he wasn't at 100%. Then the lights went low and Brian came on stage alone.

"Ladies and Gentlemen. I'd like to do a very special song tonight for someone who means a lot to me. Someone I care about deeply. It's a song that is by one of my favorite female artists, Celine Dion. This is dedicated to D, I miss you. It's called "I love you, goodbye."

I sat in silence as music started.

"Wish I could be the one, the one that could give you love. The kind of love you really need. Wish I could say to you, that I'll always stay with you. But Baby that's not me. You need someone, willing to give their heart and soul to you. Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do. Oh I could say that I'll be all you need, but that would be a lie. I know I'd only hurt you, I know I'd only make you cry. I'm not the one you needed, I love you, goodbye."

Sandra held me as the tears silently slipped down my face.

"I hope someday you can, find someway to understand. I'm only doing this for you. I don't really want to go, but deep in my heart I know, this is the kindest thing to do. You'll find someone who'll be the one that I can never be. Give you something better, then the love you'll find with me. Oh I could say that I'll be all you need, but that would be a crime. I know I'd only hurt you, I know I'd only make you cry. I'm not the one your needing, I love you, goodbye."

The emotion in Brian's voice was so strong, it was obvious he was almost ready to cry himself.

"Leaving someone, when you love someone is the hardest thing to do, when you love someone as much as I love you. Oh I don't want to leave you, baby it tears me up inside…."

Brian paused. The crowd screamed. But Brian was in his own world.

"I'm not the one your needing, I love you, goodbye."

The song ended and the audience cheered. Brian stood up.

"Thankyou" he said, before leaving the stage.

"Are you ok?" Sandra asked.

"No, but I will, someday….."

That was my summer. The pain is getting less and less, but I miss him every day. I still hear from Kevin, but still no Brian. A guy in one of my classes asked me out on a date. I said yes, so I guess I must be getting somewhere. His name is Simon. Good guy, really good looking. I see relationship potential when I'm ready. I just don't know when that will be. I told him I just got out of a relationship. He told me that's fine.

Still, part of me is missing. I still dream sometimes, that I'm with him… then I wake up and I'm hugging the pillow. Then it all comes flooding back to me. But that happens less and less.

Will I ever forget what we had? No? Will I have it again? I don't know. But I do hope that Brian will contact me. Because I miss him. Even if we can't be in a relationship, I want to be friends. But we both need to be ready for that……

I love you Brian.

Darren.