First Love

Disclaimer: Voyager and her crew belong to Paramount what I chose to do with them is my own.
Authors Note: Well this little plot bunny hopped in to my head one day... so i wrote it.

Harry and I were cuddled up in a booth in Sandrines just watching the ebb and flow of ship society. People still love this program of mine. I guess its compliment… especially since most of them still don't really love me much. Except my Harry of course. Turning I gently nuzzle that silky black hair of his. He looks up at me.

"What?" He murmurs.

"Nothing…" I reply. "I love you."

He just smiles and snuggles a little closer and we both go back to people watching. So it was that I happened to be watching the door as Chakotay entered. Back lit by the light coming in from the corridor behind him suddenly he looks about 20 years younger. I feel a slight tightening in my chest as my heart flutters. He still can do it to me.

Now… don't start getting mad at me for looking at other men while I'm cuddled up with Harry. I'd never leave Harry in million years. But well there's a bit of a history there with Chakotay… we were never together… but well there was a time I sure wished we were.

It all started…. Well it was one of the years mom was teaching at the academy. What? You thought Dad was the only Fleeter. Oh no Mom was a Lt. Commander in her own right. A science officer though. Thank god. I don't think growing up with two command track officers for parents would have been much fun. But anyway. Mom taught at the academy a few times over the years. She was a guest professor a few different years. Mom and Dad decided it would be best for me to go with her each time. In retrospect it probably was a good thing for me to spend a little time planet side. Otherwise I would have grown up completely on starships. A little earth time was a good thing.

So that year in particular I was 15 in high school, and I'd not quite accidentally blown up the school chemistry lab. It was right before term break so the school suggested strongly to my mother that I stay away until after the break. Personally I think they were just really embarrassed that I managed to do that kind of damage with supposedly safe chemicals. And that all the safety gadgets in the lab completely failed to kick in. Well except the fire extinguishers. I mean I didn't want the school to burn down. But well they never did figure out I'd also been tempering with those systems.

Mom... well she wasn't impressed. And she figured staying home alone would be too much like a reward. So each day I got hauled in to the academy with her. Now mom *had* figured out it was me who'd done in the safety systems so she didn't trust me with in three feet of a computer console with out supervision. I had to sit in the corner of her classrooms through each class she taught and work on my report. Report you ask? Well mom decided I should put my free time o good use. So since I was missing classes she got my teachers to agree to an extra credit project. So I had to write an in depth scientific paper on how I got those "safe" chemicals to do what they did. Complete with chemical formulas and molecular diagrams, I might add. Background on the chemicals in questions, etc etc. At the time I really thought it was over the top. But it did teach me two things. First that I did not want to be a scientist. And second that I was going to have to be a lot sneakier in these exploits in the future.

So while I was pretending to work in Moms Advanced Research Methodology class I fell in love. Okay so it was really just a serious crush. But at that age… well it was love. He was in the fifth row. You know it's really funny how all through grade school and such you get assigned seats and you wish you could sit anywhere. But then when you get to your higher education you pick a seat and you get really territorial about it even though you could sit anywhere. Anyway he sat in the fifth row every day third seat from the end. Gorgeous copper skin, coal black hair, and big deep eyes I could only imagine getting lost it. And that tattoo it just entranced me. Needless to say I didn't get a thing done for the rest of my time as a "visiting student" in that class.

It took me a week to figure out a way to ask my mom who he was with out arousing some suspicion on her part. I believe it finally came out as something like. "What's with that guy with the tattoo on his face?" I was a teenager what can I say. As predicted mom set me straight on accepting all cultures ya da ya da I knew that any way parents really are so easy to manipulate. But she then told me everything I needed to know. His name was Chakotay and he was from Dorvan V. Well after that it took me like five minutes with the academy computers to find out everything else. Oh how did I get near a computer? Well mom had a meeting to attend and I told her I needed to research something for my report.

He was my dream guy for years after that. The scale to which I held others up to. I never even talked to him.

He never had a clue of course. Mom always taught under her maiden name. She refused to just be Gene Paris's wife she wanted to be known for her own work. So as far as I know Chakotay never made the connection. I think I'm glad about that. I mean we've made our peace now. But I sure wouldn't want him realizing I was the kid staring at him in his Advanced Research class.

I don't know if every one holds on to their first love like this. I even tried to just let it go a few times. Never worked. I will always love him little. Don't get me wrong I adore Harry, can't even imaging my life without him. But there's still that little whatever that makes my heart flutter when I see him at just the right angle and he looks little like his younger self. That little bit of me that wonders what could have been between us if things were different. If he could have known. If he could have loved me back. Honestly I don't think we could have worked as a couple. We're just so different. We will never be together. I know that, I've accepted it. I'm happy with life just as it is. But still sometimes I let myself dream… just a little.


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